Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

"To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you're going to have something special." -Jimmy Valvano "Don't give up....Don't ever give up." This speech was given by Jimmy Valvano at the 1993 ESPY awards shorty before his death after a battle with cancer. These words have been on my mind a great deal lately. Things are about to change a bit for me, and it's no secret I'm very bad at change. I'm scared and fearful of the unknown. But for once in my life I am not over-thinking things. I'm following my heart without thinking about what comes next or what I may be leaving behind or what chances I am taking. And I must say, so far I feel pretty good. I have taken a new job. Currently I work on the Medical/Oncology unit at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center. I have been there for five years. It has been my home for five years. I have formed lasting friendships and have learned a great deal. At times I have loved it, at times I have been brought to tears, both from happiness and from overwhelming frustration, and at times I have felt nothing at all. I have now taken a position at Primary Children's Medical Center in Salt Lake City on their immunocomprimised unit. I cannot begin to describe what it is I feel right now. I'm anxiously excited for this new change. I'm overwhelmingly terrified by this change. I am shaking with fear but calm at the same time. I'm a mass of contradiction. Regardless of all of these feelings I know that it is right. I know it's the right thing for me right now, whatever this may bring and whatever this may lead to it is the right direction. I have always subscribed to my own form of belief in "destiny." I feel that things happen for a reason. We go through life making choices and decisions and people and opportunities enter our lives when and where they should. This is how I feel right now. It was difficult getting to this point, and I'm sure it will not be easy from here on out, but it feels good and I'm excited for this new opportunity.

It's In My Soul

"There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more I am dissatisfied with it; and everyday confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of either merit or sense." Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorite books. I read this book every December. I can't explain why. It is in no way a "holiday" book so to speak. However, there is something about it that screams hot chocolate, snow, and fireplace to me. Although at present time I have none of the above. Boo. Anyway, back on track. I actually did not read the book until I was in college. Strange I know. But the moment I picked it up, I was in love. Took me only two days to read. I often find myself relating to Elizabeth. Obviously I'm the heroine, right? We're both incredibly sarcastic, witty, and quick with the the opinionated comments. The eternal pessimist/realist within us dominates. Also the prospects of our ever marrying are slim to none, although she beats the odds. Regardless of these charming traits, we, Elizabeth and I, are at heart a sentimentalist. Though we rarely allow many to see this. So I begin to read again. I am only a few chapters in and I hear the British voices in my head, picture the English countryside and laugh aloud at the wit. I love starting out hating Mr. Darcy and then falling hopelessly in love with him. I love the twist of fate that gives Lydia and Mr. Wickham everything they want and deserve. Most of all I love how this book has become a part of me, a piece of me.

Give Thanks

In the true spirit of doing what everyone else is doing, I thought I'd post about those things that I am grateful for this holiday season. For the first time in almost 5 years I was able to spend Thanksgiving with my family. I've either had to work or they have gone out of town and I was unable to go with them. Not only did I get to spend Thanksgiving with my family but I had 2 Thanksgivings! So over the course of this past week I've had m
any opportunities to see the very many blessings that I have and those things that I am incredibly thankful for. So without further ado....

I am incredibly thankful for my job. I know I complain....at times I complain a lot! But I'm truly thankful that every day I get to do something that I love and grateful that I even have a job in a time where many are struggling to find work and provide for themselves and their family. I've pretty much always knows I wanted to be a nurse and I can not imagine doing anything else.

On that note, I'm very grateful for my health. Everyday I see people at their worst. They are sick and vulnerable. I see people struggling with chronic diseases, terminal diseases, and even simple health problems that are not permanent. I'm not in perfect health and I'm definitely not in great shape, but I'm healthy and that is truly somethi

ng to be thankful for.

I'm thankful for books. I know this one is cheesy but it's me. I love to read, literally LOVE to read. If I had to choose only one thing that I could do for the rest of my life I would read. I can't bare the thought of not reading. And the dying breed of bookstores brings an ache to my heart. But I am indeed thankful for books. They bring great joy to my life and I feel incredi

bly lucky to know that I have something that makes me so happy.

This one may sound silly, but I'm thankful that I'm single right now. I want more than anything to become a wife and mother and as hard as it is to believe, I have faith that someday I will. But I've also learned to be thankful for the experiences I've had and things that I have learned because I am single, things I could have not learned and experiences I could not have had otherwise. I've learned to love and live every day. I don't do it perfectly, but I do it and I try to love it.

Last but certainly not least, I am indeed incredibly thankful for my family and friends. The people in my life I am closest to and those people who support me through everything. I have had a really rough couple of months but my family and those close friends have supported me and loved me through everything. I know how much I am loved and that means more than anything ever possibly could.

And there you have it, a serious and sentimental post. One of very few that you will behold from me!

Love the One You're With

I sit here at what I lovingly call the "Holgate Bed and Breakfast" aka my grandparents home in Cedaredge, Colorado. Don't worry, nobody else knows where that is either. Hence the magic. They live in the middle of nowhere. I often tell people they live outside of Grand Junction, when in fact their home is about an hour and half outside of Grand Junction. My grandfather is, for lack of a better, more loving term, a hermit. Which is one thing I so lovingly and willingly inherited from him. I'm a homebody. There is probably nothing I love more than curling up at home with a blanket and a good book, a movie, an athletic competition, or a great friend and some conversation.

So I find myself here, in the middle of nowhere, sitting on the porch, wrapped in my colts blanket, contemplating what it is I love about this place so much. It does not possess the majesty of the snow covered mountains I see outside my window every morning and, although am hard pressed to admit, absolutely love coming home to after a long trip. It does not contain the immense and beautiful architectural genius of the skyscrapers contained within those large cities I love so much to visit and imagine myself living in one day. Nowhere in sight is the breathtakingly gorgeous clear blue waters I have beheld on the beach in Haiti. So what is it? It's the stars you can see because we are miles and miles away from anything resembling a city. It is the sounds of my nephew laughing in the next room and who, despite my best efforts, continues to call me Carlee. It is the complete quietness I hear as I sit on this porch. It is the long hug I receive from my grandmother and my very reserved but loving grandfather. It's the fact that I have terrible cell service here. It is the solitude. However, despite this word, solitude, and the fact that I associate this place with it, I find the reason I love this place so very much is because of those I am here with.

Don't Cry For Me Haiti

It hasn't even been a week and already my heart aches toreturn to Haiti. I'm certain this is in large part due to several things, one being that I was quickly thrown back into my life and "reality" as we call it so often, and secondly because I think I've fallen in love with the people of Haiti. It caught me by great surprise, this longing that I'm feeling. I did not feel it with such force when I returned last year, but this year, it hit me with a ton of bricks. Maybe it's the feeling I get as I lose myself in serving them, maybe it's their spirit and their faith, maybe it was the sun! All I know is I can't wait to go back. So while it's fresh in my mind, here are a few of my favorite pictures and a list of those things I learned while I was in Haiti!.

THINGS I LEARNED IN HAITI

*Pamprin is just Naproxen

*You can get constipation as well as diarrhea while in a third world country

*Toothpaste has an expiration date

*People are strong: The body may break easy, the Spirit endures

*Roosters are a worthless animal

*Tricks to bartering effectively

*Fanny packs are in fact cool; in that "I'm camping, saving the world" sort of way

*Miracles Happen

*You can be pregnant for 2 years

*Work hard, play hard

*When you give, you do in fact, receive

Au Revoir.

It is my last night in Haiti. Part of me wishes I'd left this morning with a few of the other members of our group as I am a little homesick. But part of me is a bit sad that I won't wake up tomorrow (at 4 am no doubt thanks to the resident rooster) and throw on my green scrubs, put on a headband and pull my hair back, grab my pack and head out to another outreach clinic. This place touches you. It has a way of drawing you in. You fall in love with the people, the culture, it becomes a part of you. It's all so bittersweet. It's so difficult, yet so rewarding, as I imagine most difficult things are. I sit think about those things I have to do right away when I get back to snow-covered Utah. And how I'll be thrown right back into my normal life. Katie says that a lot times people have a difficult time talking about their experiences when they get home. I remember that from last year. It's hard because you recall those things in your mind but it's so very difficult to put them into words. I love coming and doing this. It's takes me a day or two to let my guard down and jump in head first, but I eventually do it, and then I don't want to stop. Once again it's been a fantastic experience. And once again I don't regret an ounce of the time I spent here.

Montrouis

I'm playing a little catch-up here. Friday afternoon we headed up to Montrouis, pronounced "Mon-We." There is an orphange there of approximately 25 children that we went and did "well checks" on and of course treated for anything we may have found, usually colds or stomach aches. These children live in a two bedroom house and paint. Their paintings are quite good, this coming from someone who can not even draw a stick figure. We also checked out the adults who worked at the orphanage and cared for the children. One man had TB. Horrible sounding lungs, coughing all over everyone. We referred him to Hospital Albert Sweitzer. We saw a few little babies that were sick with colds, some runny noses, and quite a few impacted ears. Nothing too extreme. We worked hard. Some of the community kiddos snuck in and in all we treated about 50 people on Friday. Friday afternoon we played. And we played hard. We spent the night at Indigo Beach Resort which is a club med of sorts. It's quite luxurious around here, most of us Americans would consider it probably a glorified Super 8. But it was nice. They have a pool, the ocean is beautiful and we had a great suppers with some local music and dancing. Soaked up a lot of sun! Thank you to my great-granfather for the Greek blood coarsing through my blood that makes it so I tan beautifully and do not burn. Fantastic. We did a lot of swimming, especially with our interpreters. Matt, Lesly, Big Mack, and Steevenson had never swam before. It isn't part of their culture. In fact many Haitians are scared of water. It took some coaxing to get them in the water, especially Big Mack. It was so funny. This boy is probably about 6'8" and standing in 5 feet of water he was clutching to us with dear life. Poor child. They acclamated well though and had a fantastic time. We sat and played on the beach and watched the sunset. It was gorgeous (pictures to come). It felt like two entirely different days, in two entirely different places. Saturday we returned to the orphanage but this time opened our "doors" to the community, we held a pediatric clinic. We had gotten them to spread the word that we'd only be treating children. So once again, lots of runny noses, dirty ears, UTI's and vaginal infections. We did see a little boy that had an abscess on his head. It was painful to touch. All we had was topical lidocaine and a scapal. Kirk (our MD) lanced it and drained it. This kid did not budge or shed one tear the entire time, although we could all tell that he was in pain. It was amazing. I played in the pharmacy this time. I actually really enjoyed it. Dosing and disensing meds. Looking up dosaging for amoxicillin based on weight and mixing. A little different for me and I loved it. It was a fantastic weekend. Probably my favorite part of the whole trip.